The Amazing Mechanical Wife

By

David E. Hughes

To:  ultratec.customer.service@ultratec.com

From: TheodoreBlasky@visioncom.net

Subject:  Final Purchase Commitment

Date: February 17, 2335

After a six-month trial period, I’ve decided that I’m thoroughly satisfied with your product. Last night, I asked Andra to marry me. I’m sure the proposal was a mere formality, with Andra having no choice but to agree with this business arrangement, but I must admit I felt a certain flush of excitement when she said “yes” and accepted my down payment in the form of a 1-carat diamond solitaire from Slow Eddie’s Diamond Emporium.

I realize the withdrawals she’ll make from my bank account on your behalf will be stiff, but at this point I feel it’ll be a wise investment.

Three points about your program deserve special praise:

1. Ultratec’s Electronic Matching Service allowed me to find the product that best matched my needs without ever leaving my home.

2. Your extended trial program, where Andra and I arranged for mutually convenient times to interact, was easy and convenient. No middle man or high pressure sales tactics were involved. Although, toward the end, Andra began to drop hints that my time for a trial period was running out, that was only to be expected. After all, business is business.

3. Finally, I appreciate that you have programmed Andra in a manner that makes her indistinguishable from a human female. When I display behavior patterns that would elicit a positive response in a woman, I get a positive response from Andra. In fact, I quickly discovered the less I say about her true nature, the better.

MegaNet Electronic Chat Session

Date: February 18, 2335

Andra U. Techan: Logged On

Marianne Roberts: Logged On

Andra:             Are you sitting down?

Marianne:       i’m at my computer keyboard--what do you think?

Andra:             Get ready for this. Theo asked me to marry him last night!!!!!

Marianne:       really? the guy with the…unfortunate mole?

Andra:             No, silly. Theo is the toothpaste factory foreman.

Marianne:       i remember. the guy u met on the Net w/the unhealthy interest in science fiction.

Andra:             Yeah, that’s the one. I thought he had a weird sense of humor when we first started dating, but he turned out to be a nice guy. I mean, really nice.

Marianne:       u said yes?

Andra:             Of course. The wedding’s in June. You’ll be my maid of honor right?

Marianne:       we’re talking about the same guy who asked you if you had an “off” button on your first date? the guy who wanted to know if you actually had a bowel movement when you got back from the bathroom?

Andra:             Come on! Don’t be such a sour puss! He’s a nice guy. So what if he has a quirky sense of humor?

Marianne:       he must be REALLY good in bed.

Andra:             Sex isn’t that important to me.

Marianne:       don’t play prude w/me--spill it. does he have an exquisite piece of manhood that you just can’t live w/out?

Andra:             I swear you’re terrible! It’s really not like that at all. He’s a man of conservative values.

Marianne:       omg! R you saying you’re gonna marry the man and you haven’t even taken him for a test ride? listen to me. a generous amount of alcohol and a really skimpy outfit will overcome conservative values. u don’t want to marry the guy and find out he’s a dud in the sack. hell, i’ve dumped guys just because they sweat too much during sex.

Andra:             I’ll keep your pearl of wisdom in mind. Do you ever think about anything other than sex? Never mind. What do ya say--will you be my maid of honor?

Marianne:       what are best friends for? course i will!

To: ultratec.customer.service@ultratec.com

From: TheodoreBlasky@visioncom.net

Subject: Customer Satisfaction

Date: July 2, 2335

I’m pleased to report that, once again, your product has exceeded my expectations. I must admit I had my doubts about whether she would perform adequately in the area of intimate relations. I’d always suspected that this level of function would be difficult to program, primarily because of the essentially animal nature of the interaction. However, Andra proved during our honeymoon that it could be done.

I don’t know how you managed to make her blue eyes so deep, her brunette hair so silky thick, her skin so creamy soft, and her breasts so perky, but I don’t care! The point is, your product is a triumph. I’ve never been happier.

I also was pleased to observe that the strictures of her inherent nature were softened when we reached a certain level of intimacy.

MegaNet Electronic Chat Session

Date: July 2, 2335

Andra T. Blasky: Logged On

Marianne Roberts: Logged On

Marianne:       so you decided to come back from your honeymoon.

Andra:             God, I wish I didn’t have to! We had a wonderful time! I’d never been outside of Earth’s atmosphere before, so I didn’t know what to expect when Theo booked the lunar cruise. But it was spectacular! The stars were so bright and clear when we walked the deck, and there were so many things to do: swimming, the low-grav spa, hologames, gambling. I could go on and on.

Marianne:       sounds dreamy. what about the sex?

Andra:             Marianne!

Marianne:       come on! Spill it. Theo couldn’t have been that much of a flop. i have to admit he looked pretty good in his tux at the wedding. so tell me, did you run your hands through his mousey brown hair? gaze into his hazel eyes? wrap yourself in those long, skinny arms? or did u concentrate on his remarkably tight butt.

Andra:             LOL! You are a hoot! I guess if I had to describe the sex, I’d say it was good…but weird.

Marianne:       promising. tell me. does he have a strange fetish like that guy i dated who was obsessed w/my ankles? omg! the things he did!

Andra:             No, it wasn’t that. Remember on that first date he made all those weird jokes about me being an android?

Marianne:       o no!

Andra:             Well, his idea of sex talk was kinda the same thing. When we started getting into it, he started talking about my pleasure programming and realistic flesh.

Marianne:       my god! what did you do?

Andra:             At first I was shocked, but then I thought, what the hell? We’re behind closed doors. I’ll give him what he wants. So, I became his “pleasure robot” and it got pretty wild after that. He liked it so much he made me play that role every night.

Marianne:       i can’t believe it! i didn’t think u had it in u.

Andra:             I’m full of surprises.

To: ultratec.customer.service@ultratec.com

From: TheodoreBlasky@visioncom.net

Subject: Customer Complaint

Date: November 13, 2335

I’m sorry to report that I’ve found some flaws in your product. Although I still find Andra to be a worthwhile investment, I feel compelled to report problems that you may wish to address when developing your next prototype:

1.      Andra is much more expensive than I anticipated. The amount of money she spends on personal needs is astounding! She also withdraws money from my bank account on what appears to be a monthly basis. I assume she is forwarding this to you for payment because I have not received any invoices from you.

2.      More significantly, she has begun talking about having children. Of course, this is absurd. Why would you put a procreation impulse in a machine that cannot procreate? Are you planning to introduce a line of android children? No, thanks! I can’t imagine what you’d charge for those!

MegaNet Electronic Chat Session

Date: June 28, 2336

Andra T. Blasky: Logged On

Marianne Roberts: Logged On

Marianne:       what’s going on w/u? i haven’t heard from u in weeks.

Andra:             I’m sorry. I just haven’t been in the mood for chit-chat.

Marianne:       that doesn’t sound like you.

Andra:             I guess I’m depressed.

Marianne:       why? last i heard everything was going great! Theo got the promotion at the toothpaste factory and you moved into that beautiful two-bedroom townhome.

Andra:             I know. I know. I should be happy with what I have but it’s just.  Oh, this is hard to say--I can’t get pregnant. I think I’m sterile.

Marianne:       i didn’t even know u were trying! last time we talked about that u said Theo wasn’t crazy about the idea of having kids.

Andra:             He still isn’t. He’s told me flat out he doesn’t want any, but here’s the thing. I told him maybe we should just try it without birth control for a while and see what happens and he was totally fine with that! He made some remark about if I got pregnant it would be some sort of twisted second coming. What do you think he meant by that? Maybe he really does want to have kids but he can’t bring himself to say so.

Marianne:       who knows what he was talking about? let’s face it, men are deranged. they act especially bizarre when it comes to the subject of having kids.

Andra:             But he seemed so CONFIDENT that I couldn’t get pregnant.

Marianne:       look, if you’re so worried, why don’t u go to a doctor and get it checked out? maybe it’s Theo w/the problem.

Andra:             No. I don’t trust doctors, especially when it comes to private matters.

Marianne:       i swear. sometimes you can be so strange. it can’t be any worse than my last doctor’s visit. he unzipped and gave me a little “present” for my 35th birthday. still, I’ve got another appointment in a year. at least he has a light touch (2 bad he’s married!)

Andra:             LOL. you always manage to cheer me up when I’m in the dumps. I promise I’ll be better about scheduling chat sessions. Who knows? Maybe next time I’ll be consulting you on baby names.

To: ultratec.customer.service@ultratec.com

From: TheodoreBlasky@visioncom.net

Subject: Payment Plan

Date: December 23, 2336

I am sorry to inform you that you will be receiving lower payments than in the past because I’ve told Andra she has to cut back on her spending. I lost my job recently, and I anticipate that my search for new employment may take some time. If you decide you wish to reclaim the merchandise as a result of this decision, so be it. Frankly, Andra is starting to get on my nerves.

MegaNet Electronic Chat Session

Date: February 2, 2337

Andra T. Blasky: Logged On

Marianne Roberts: Logged On

Andra:             I don’t know what to do! I’m so miserable. Theo has completely lost it!

Marianne:       i’m all ears, chica. what’s up?

Andra:             You know how I told you a while back that Theo started acting a little strange when he lost his job?

Marianne:       yeah, but all men do that. they venerate their jobs and their penises the same way.

Andra:             It’s so much worse. He keeps asking me if I’m programmed for non-domestic functions and warning me if I don’t earn my keep the company is going to reclaim me.

Marianne:       he does have a strange sense of humor. maybe it’s his way of coping.

Andra:             I thought that at first, but I found some notes he made on the computer about *Resale Value of Domestic Androids.*  I don’t think he’s joking anymore.

Andra:             I’m starting to wonder if he EVER was joking. He thinks I’m an android!

Marianne:       omg, maybe he really is losing it! you’d better find him a job, quick.

Andra:             I wish I could, but the prospects don’t look good. I’ve sent out a few inquiries about getting a job for myself, just in case.

Marianne:       well, hang in there, kid. maybe this whole thing will blow over, and, if not, it’ll be just like old times. u and me out on the town. single men w/some semblance of good looks, beware!

To: ultratec.customer.service@ultratec.com

From: TheodoreBlasky@visioncom.net

Subject: Merchandise Return

Date: April 17, 2337

I am relinquishing all claims of ownership on Andra. She moved out of my home, and I’ve severed all financial ties with her. If you wish to reclaim your merchandise, I’m sure you have some way of locating it.

For future reference, you may wish to soften the product’s sensitivity to its true nature. Although I understand the need to make your product as realistic as possible, Andra’s stubborn insistence that she is not, in fact, an android ultimately led to our separation. She completely lost control when I offered to prove her true identity by making a small incision in her abdomen with my buck knife (which I’m sure could have been easily repaired by your technicians).

MegaNet Electronic Chat Session

Date: April 21, 2337

Andra U. Techan: Logged On

Marianne Roberts: Logged On

Andra:             It’s finally over. The divorce is final and I’m moved out. I’m just ready to put that nightmare behind me now.

Marianne:       so Theo’s officially available now? do u have his #?

Andra:             Marianne!

Marianne:       u know i’ve always had a thing for dangerous, delusional psychotics! (kidding!). so, sounds like you’re doing okay.

Andra:             Yes. My new apartment’s not too bad, and get this…I have a job!

Marianne:       Really? w/who?

Andra:             Some company called Ultratec. I’m not even sure I understand what they do. Very high tech stuff. Anyway, they want me to work in their prototype enhancement division, whatever that is. Still, the pay’s good and they sound like nice people.

Marianne:       sounds great! maybe after work tomorrow we can go out on the town, maybe find some men…

Andra:             Gee, thanks, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

Marianne:       why not? at least you’ll know that no matter who you end up w/he’ll be a 75% improvement over your ex.

Andra:             Only 75%?

Marianne:       well, u did say the sex was good.